There are times when it is so easy to judge someone by how they appear. I am not necessarily talking appearances. It is so easy to say 'They don't seem to be coping well.' or 'Look at the state of her.' You get the hint of the type of platitudes I am expressing here.
This week has been one of the toughest I have had to face in my life. My Dad had a quadruple heart bypass this week. He is up in Scotland and I am down in Wales. I have not seen my Dad since Christmas and I've been worrying, usually about 2am in the morning, whether I would ever see him again. He made it through and seems to be improving daily! My husband went to work away the day before his heart bypass. My mother is in hospital and has been for nearly three weeks now, with a broken thigh bone and knee replacement. She is seemingly not getting very far and is not in the best of health. She has B12 deficiency, potassium and iron deficiency. She is now also experiencing blood pressure (low) problems and stomach issues. She too is in Scotland.
I have my own health issues to deal with. I am folic acid anemic, which is meaning anything I am doing I am getting worn out with. I am not talking tired, I am talking limbs are so heavy it is a struggle to even move. My POTS is worse / more reactive. (possibly due to anemia) Every time I stand up my heart rate goes tachycardic (in my case can be up to 170 bpm within 30 seconds of standing) It is like running hard just by standing on a spot. The body does not get the correct profusion of oxygen due to the heart rate being high. Legs become weak as a result of this. Think running a race and your legs are rubbery at the end. Bad days that can be walking only a few steps. THEN add into it my joint issues. Every time I fall, (never black out) my already sore joints take a battering and my knee slips around, or my shoulder sublaxes or the bones in my foot dislocate.
People sometimes wonder why I hate my husband working away. Because I do more, general day to day things like take care of the kids. When he works away I spend most of my day on the sofa resting, so I have enough energy to stand and look after the kids in the evening. I am so worn out, I can't even write!
My head is still high, I generally have a smile on my face and still managing to create knitted things.
So if anyone thinks this week I am being melodramatic or seemingly not coping, please borrow my shoes and walk a mile in them.
Friday, 3 May 2013
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Ka Bam!
Anyone following me on Facebook would know a few weeks back my daughter came home from school very unhappy. She must have been really very unhappy, as it only took me one asking of 'what's up' rather than the push the button to get the answer session. The long shot was people had been picking on her because I was disabled.
I've never seen my illness as a disability. YES it most definitely is, I've come to accept this as normal for me. Any regular readers of this blog will know that this hurts at times, but after my last 'I want my old life back.' I have moved on in almost staggering steps.
My husband suggested to me that I wrote a book about a Mother that was ill / disabled. I've penned a few pages of the younger kids version. But I have been struggling to think of something that would have appeal to kids of my daughters age (11) and up.
Then is struck me. I could combine this with another aim of mine! To own an off road wheelchair / scooter solution and go scrambling. Blog / journal and then publish a condensed version. So why don't I use the experiences I gather and the things I see add a dose of my bardic talent of story telling and create a series of adventure style books for the YA market!
All I need now is to find a solution to financing of and finding a suitable solution. But maybe there will be a way. I hope.
I've never seen my illness as a disability. YES it most definitely is, I've come to accept this as normal for me. Any regular readers of this blog will know that this hurts at times, but after my last 'I want my old life back.' I have moved on in almost staggering steps.
My husband suggested to me that I wrote a book about a Mother that was ill / disabled. I've penned a few pages of the younger kids version. But I have been struggling to think of something that would have appeal to kids of my daughters age (11) and up.
Then is struck me. I could combine this with another aim of mine! To own an off road wheelchair / scooter solution and go scrambling. Blog / journal and then publish a condensed version. So why don't I use the experiences I gather and the things I see add a dose of my bardic talent of story telling and create a series of adventure style books for the YA market!
All I need now is to find a solution to financing of and finding a suitable solution. But maybe there will be a way. I hope.
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
When will it stop hurting.
This morning started off well. I had a good night sleep and felt a bit better again. It was not until I started feeling better on Friday had I realised how ill I had become. Long way to go until I am even back to my normal, but am happy to making small steps.
Then there was the scrabble to find something to wear, as I was behind on putting the washing away. I pulled my jeans out and grabbed a couple of tops from the draws. I looked in the mirror and felt a little sad. I use to wear this combination of outfit when I was slimmer and looked good in it. Now I just look short and tubby in it. Still no time to find anything else, it was not like anyone else was going to see me.
Eventually after running late I grab the keys to hubby's brand new Nissan Juke (Ministry of Sound edition) and eased my self into the gorgeous leather seat and as I pressed the button to start the car, the heats start to warm up. My earlier grump disolved away. The tight gear box, nippy handling and responsive accelerator made driving it a real delight. It reminded me when I had a brand new mini, just with a bit more luxury and a bit more space. Alisha's attic came onto the iPod and there I was back driving around where we use to live, back South. Free from POTS and the collapses, free from a wheelchair and it's constraints. (not incidentally free from Fibro)
I pulled the car back on the drive, walked into the house and heart rate soared and had to sit down, before I go and make coffee and breakfast. Hubby rang me to see how I enjoyed his car, of course I loved it. But all of a sudden I burst into tears. I wanted my old life back. I asked myself when was this going to stop hurting.
I came off the phone and dried my eyes, made coffee and ate my yoghurt. It occurred to me ever since I got ill with POTS I have tried to fight it. Never let it beat me, always try and find a way to live with it. But that moment, that moment then I just wanted all the things I could not have. I don't honestly think I have ever felt that way before. Crikey I was not even healthy then, but at least I could manage more than I can today.
I sobbed and sobbed. The dog looked at me weirdly, the cat nuzzled in and the other one ran away. I still I sobbed. I've cried many a time with this and every time I cry, I release something, let go of something. Once I had stopped crying I realised what I had let go of this time, was my past life. My current life. Trying to live a 'normal' life and pretend sometimes I am not ill. Heck isn't that what I've been feeling these last few weeks. I need to find a new way of living.
I am just so glad I have my loving husband and kids. With them my world is almost complete. What is lacking is the satisfaction of me achieving something. Showing the world, I did that. Look against adversity I did that.
So to the original question. When will this stop hurting? When I stop beating myself up about it. When I let go of the things I cannot do and stop trying to wish them back. When I stop fighting for the sake of fighting and make myself worse.
I have a dream. A dream, a goal, a desire. I will get there. But I won't whilst I don't love myself enough and whilst I fight it instead of letting it have its run, then sneaking up behind it and shifting the goal post.
Then there was the scrabble to find something to wear, as I was behind on putting the washing away. I pulled my jeans out and grabbed a couple of tops from the draws. I looked in the mirror and felt a little sad. I use to wear this combination of outfit when I was slimmer and looked good in it. Now I just look short and tubby in it. Still no time to find anything else, it was not like anyone else was going to see me.
Eventually after running late I grab the keys to hubby's brand new Nissan Juke (Ministry of Sound edition) and eased my self into the gorgeous leather seat and as I pressed the button to start the car, the heats start to warm up. My earlier grump disolved away. The tight gear box, nippy handling and responsive accelerator made driving it a real delight. It reminded me when I had a brand new mini, just with a bit more luxury and a bit more space. Alisha's attic came onto the iPod and there I was back driving around where we use to live, back South. Free from POTS and the collapses, free from a wheelchair and it's constraints. (not incidentally free from Fibro)
I pulled the car back on the drive, walked into the house and heart rate soared and had to sit down, before I go and make coffee and breakfast. Hubby rang me to see how I enjoyed his car, of course I loved it. But all of a sudden I burst into tears. I wanted my old life back. I asked myself when was this going to stop hurting.
I came off the phone and dried my eyes, made coffee and ate my yoghurt. It occurred to me ever since I got ill with POTS I have tried to fight it. Never let it beat me, always try and find a way to live with it. But that moment, that moment then I just wanted all the things I could not have. I don't honestly think I have ever felt that way before. Crikey I was not even healthy then, but at least I could manage more than I can today.
I sobbed and sobbed. The dog looked at me weirdly, the cat nuzzled in and the other one ran away. I still I sobbed. I've cried many a time with this and every time I cry, I release something, let go of something. Once I had stopped crying I realised what I had let go of this time, was my past life. My current life. Trying to live a 'normal' life and pretend sometimes I am not ill. Heck isn't that what I've been feeling these last few weeks. I need to find a new way of living.
I am just so glad I have my loving husband and kids. With them my world is almost complete. What is lacking is the satisfaction of me achieving something. Showing the world, I did that. Look against adversity I did that.
So to the original question. When will this stop hurting? When I stop beating myself up about it. When I let go of the things I cannot do and stop trying to wish them back. When I stop fighting for the sake of fighting and make myself worse.
I have a dream. A dream, a goal, a desire. I will get there. But I won't whilst I don't love myself enough and whilst I fight it instead of letting it have its run, then sneaking up behind it and shifting the goal post.
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Making Coffee
After my previous post my good friend Lianne, put this post on my Facebook Wall, after my last post about tough decisions.
Grandmother says... Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; "Which are you?"
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?
---AUTHOR UNKNOWN
I admit not to adjusting to this very well. I replaced the hours I was working with trying to do other things, like put clothes away and catch up with household chores. Thursday I ended up having a bad collapse down the stairs. With having to call out an Ambulance to check me over, as I hit the side of my face and jarred my neck. My ever loving husband took yesterday off work, as managing even to do anything was tough. I admit I was, to coin my eldest nephews phrase, 'A wee bit cranky.' Part of this is due to the fact I am going through such a rough spell, part because 'take it easy' is an alien phrase in vocabulary. Also part my husband is going to be working away for quite a bit of this month. Whilst this situation is far from ideal, I need to deal with it to avoid putting the pressure on him.
I was getting cranky again this afternoon and even writing was not dispelling it. So I went for a walk in the garden with hubby. (except I ended up on the floor when I got back up from the garden) The sun was out and you could really feel spring was in the air. It reminded me a little of when I hit my last crisis point, except that was at the other end of the seasonal spectrum and early autumn. This post by Li popped into my head again. What life was doing at this moment was making me like a boiled egg. Instead it is now time to adjust again and shape life to what I can achieve. In other words, time to make coffee!
I am not exactly certain the balance yet, but working with my wonderful authors, doing my writing and my crafting. As well as taking time to be kind to myself is all going to be part of it.
All this talk of coffee, I think it is time to put the pot on ...
Grandmother says... Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; "Which are you?"
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I?
Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?
---AUTHOR UNKNOWN
I admit not to adjusting to this very well. I replaced the hours I was working with trying to do other things, like put clothes away and catch up with household chores. Thursday I ended up having a bad collapse down the stairs. With having to call out an Ambulance to check me over, as I hit the side of my face and jarred my neck. My ever loving husband took yesterday off work, as managing even to do anything was tough. I admit I was, to coin my eldest nephews phrase, 'A wee bit cranky.' Part of this is due to the fact I am going through such a rough spell, part because 'take it easy' is an alien phrase in vocabulary. Also part my husband is going to be working away for quite a bit of this month. Whilst this situation is far from ideal, I need to deal with it to avoid putting the pressure on him.
I was getting cranky again this afternoon and even writing was not dispelling it. So I went for a walk in the garden with hubby. (except I ended up on the floor when I got back up from the garden) The sun was out and you could really feel spring was in the air. It reminded me a little of when I hit my last crisis point, except that was at the other end of the seasonal spectrum and early autumn. This post by Li popped into my head again. What life was doing at this moment was making me like a boiled egg. Instead it is now time to adjust again and shape life to what I can achieve. In other words, time to make coffee!
I am not exactly certain the balance yet, but working with my wonderful authors, doing my writing and my crafting. As well as taking time to be kind to myself is all going to be part of it.
All this talk of coffee, I think it is time to put the pot on ...
Monday, 25 February 2013
Tough decisions
Any follower or regular reader of this blog will have followed by trials and tribulations with life and running a business. Today I posted this open letter to Little Acorns Publishing Facebook group. (NO I AM NOT GIVING UP!)
I’ve had to do some big thinking recently. A lot has gone against us as a business over the last nine months. The virtual collapse of sales only adds to the pressure to stay afloat. But floating we still are. There has been a lot of stress recently, on the business front and other factors. My health, a constant fickle beast, has recently taken a slide back to a low point. As such I am now at a point where even managing to do day-to-day tasks is a trial by ordeal.
Calling it a day had been in my mind recently, but for multiple reasons, some being the fabulous authors I have on board, some because I am a stubborn mare, that is not an option. But something needs to give.
As such I am going to be slowing down the pace of the business a bit. Effectively I will be working on the business on a part-time basis. What does this mean?
• The rate books are released is slowed down. Enabling larger gaps between releases.
• I will be spending less time on actually marketing / selling the books. But opportunities for talks etc will be still actively sort.
• I will be keeping the print formatting for children’s books ‘in house’ but contracting kindle and other formats out.
• I will still be around to answer your questions or queries etc. But please bear with me if these are not as rapid as they usually are.
Over the coming months there maybe a few other changes to the business. But the main thing in all of this is to create a sustainable business and grow it organically.
I hope you all understand, please contact me if you have any queries.
• The rate books are released is slowed down. Enabling larger gaps between releases.• I will be spending less time on actually marketing / selling the books. But opportunities for talks etc will be still actively sort. • I will be keeping the print formatting for children’s books ‘in house’ but contracting kindle and other formats out. • I will still be around to answer your questions or queries etc. But please bear with me if these are not as rapid as they usually are.
Over the coming months there maybe a few other changes to the business. But the main thing in all of this is to create a sustainable business and grow it organically.
I hope you all understand, please contact me if you have any queries.
I rather live to fight another day than give in totally.
I’ve had to do some big thinking recently. A lot has gone against us as a business over the last nine months. The virtual collapse of sales only adds to the pressure to stay afloat. But floating we still are. There has been a lot of stress recently, on the business front and other factors. My health, a constant fickle beast, has recently taken a slide back to a low point. As such I am now at a point where even managing to do day-to-day tasks is a trial by ordeal.
Calling it a day had been in my mind recently, but for multiple reasons, some being the fabulous authors I have on board, some because I am a stubborn mare, that is not an option. But something needs to give.
As such I am going to be slowing down the pace of the business a bit. Effectively I will be working on the business on a part-time basis. What does this mean?
• The rate books are released is slowed down. Enabling larger gaps between releases.
• I will be spending less time on actually marketing / selling the books. But opportunities for talks etc will be still actively sort.
• I will be keeping the print formatting for children’s books ‘in house’ but contracting kindle and other formats out.
• I will still be around to answer your questions or queries etc. But please bear with me if these are not as rapid as they usually are.
Over the coming months there maybe a few other changes to the business. But the main thing in all of this is to create a sustainable business and grow it organically.
I hope you all understand, please contact me if you have any queries.
• The rate books are released is slowed down. Enabling larger gaps between releases.• I will be spending less time on actually marketing / selling the books. But opportunities for talks etc will be still actively sort. • I will be keeping the print formatting for children’s books ‘in house’ but contracting kindle and other formats out. • I will still be around to answer your questions or queries etc. But please bear with me if these are not as rapid as they usually are.
Over the coming months there maybe a few other changes to the business. But the main thing in all of this is to create a sustainable business and grow it organically.
I hope you all understand, please contact me if you have any queries.
****
This was not an easy thing to do, to openly admit I was struggling with something and as such what I was going to do about it. But having collapsed a lot quicker with less exertion, I needed to do something. Hubby is having to work away through out the year, with his job and I will be left with the kids for up to ten days at a time. (Not ideal but currently have no other option) I rather live to fight another day than give in totally.
Friday, 22 February 2013
Colour me purple and adorne me with stars.
Actually I prefer red, but does not work so well with silver stars.
Now I have your attention...
I am sat here staring out of the little window in my office, which still bears the scares of my son's tenure in here, until his lego out grew it and needed the larger guest bedroom! The walls are blue with the odd scribble on them, there is a football light up on the ceiling, the floor is laminated. I share the space with my yarn collection, my fabric and my bookcase. My desk takes up most of one wall. But this is my space. My space where I am meant to perform miracles, or so it seems.
Running a publishing company is not easy. I work 12 hours a day at times. In between this I have to balance bringing up two children and I spend less time with my children than I use to. Running a house and being a loving wife. Oh and on top of this I have enough issues with chronic illness that could fell an Ox! I have been paid once in nine months, that is purely due to an incredible start.
I care about each book as if it were my own. I nurture and love each baby that passes through my hands. I understand that an author has poured blood, sweat and tears over it. I don't demand changes beyond that required to make the book readable.
So when I am kicked for not producing enough sales, or spending time having a life or any such platitude I get hurt. I am spending so much time working I have not written my own work. My novella release is now months behind it's intended release. In short I am putting my dreams on hold in order to get other peoples dreams to come true.
I went into this with my eyes open. I knew it would be long hours with little or no reward at first. I new there would be stress and stress and stress. But to me it is a challenge. BUT what I did not bargain for was people deciding they can kick me, walk all over me and generally think 'I don't mind'. I DO!
If any author out there starts whinging about lack of sales or their publisher (not just me) is not doing enough for them. Think about this: They chose your book (or series) they made an investment in you. Cash, hard earned cash, paying for proper editors, cover designers and formatters (if they use them). My company has to pay to set up a print title, so there is that too! They also put time and loss of family time if they're growing. Question what you're putting into it? If you want someone to sell your books for you, hire a publicist or marketing agent. If you want someone to love and care, to work their hardest to produce a quality book and do everything to put it in the right places, then choose a quality publisher.
If it was not for the exciting books I have in and coming through shortly and some lovely authors who are willing to work hard and grow with us, I would be saying adious' to this publishing company game. I will not be trodden on.
That is my rant for today.
Now I have your attention...
I am sat here staring out of the little window in my office, which still bears the scares of my son's tenure in here, until his lego out grew it and needed the larger guest bedroom! The walls are blue with the odd scribble on them, there is a football light up on the ceiling, the floor is laminated. I share the space with my yarn collection, my fabric and my bookcase. My desk takes up most of one wall. But this is my space. My space where I am meant to perform miracles, or so it seems.
Running a publishing company is not easy. I work 12 hours a day at times. In between this I have to balance bringing up two children and I spend less time with my children than I use to. Running a house and being a loving wife. Oh and on top of this I have enough issues with chronic illness that could fell an Ox! I have been paid once in nine months, that is purely due to an incredible start.
I care about each book as if it were my own. I nurture and love each baby that passes through my hands. I understand that an author has poured blood, sweat and tears over it. I don't demand changes beyond that required to make the book readable.
So when I am kicked for not producing enough sales, or spending time having a life or any such platitude I get hurt. I am spending so much time working I have not written my own work. My novella release is now months behind it's intended release. In short I am putting my dreams on hold in order to get other peoples dreams to come true.
I went into this with my eyes open. I knew it would be long hours with little or no reward at first. I new there would be stress and stress and stress. But to me it is a challenge. BUT what I did not bargain for was people deciding they can kick me, walk all over me and generally think 'I don't mind'. I DO!
If any author out there starts whinging about lack of sales or their publisher (not just me) is not doing enough for them. Think about this: They chose your book (or series) they made an investment in you. Cash, hard earned cash, paying for proper editors, cover designers and formatters (if they use them). My company has to pay to set up a print title, so there is that too! They also put time and loss of family time if they're growing. Question what you're putting into it? If you want someone to sell your books for you, hire a publicist or marketing agent. If you want someone to love and care, to work their hardest to produce a quality book and do everything to put it in the right places, then choose a quality publisher.
If it was not for the exciting books I have in and coming through shortly and some lovely authors who are willing to work hard and grow with us, I would be saying adious' to this publishing company game. I will not be trodden on.
That is my rant for today.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Lia Fairchild releases The Tech Guy
THE TECH GUY
Emma Barton is a workaholic. Nothing is more important than becoming managing editor of the magazine she works for. And she has the perfect plan to achieve that goal. Then Guy Walker enters her office. Sexy, sweet, and super popular, the new tech guy takes the office by storm. Will he derail every strategy Emma has in place? If he discovers her secret, it could ruin Emma’s career and turn her life upside down.
Emma Barton is a workaholic. Nothing is more important than becoming managing editor of the magazine she works for. And she has the perfect plan to achieve that goal. Then Guy Walker enters her office. Sexy, sweet, and super popular, the new tech guy takes the office by storm. Will he derail every strategy Emma has in place? If he discovers her secret, it could ruin Emma’s career and turn her life upside down.
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