Saturday, 8 March 2014

I give in ...

... for the now.

This last week has been hard in very many ways.  As per my previous post I am in the process of trying to reset my life. One thing I have found I don't have the drive to forge forward on my current course of action. I have had enough. I give in.

The 31st of March sees the last day of me being a published author, well currently published author. All my work from this date will no longer be in active. You have until that date to purchase The Fool's Journey. Everything else has already been taken down.

I am not giving up on the writing. Neither am I setting myself strict targets. I have some outline plans on what I could do. But for the now I am giving up.

Friday, 7 March 2014

The Gypsy Way

On Saturday 1st of March I heard the sad news that a good friend of mine had passed away suddenly. Whilst he has left a hole in my life, I cannot even begin to imagine how those near and dear to him are feeling. Especially his youngest daughter. I wish them all the very best and most sincere condolences.

He'd been there for me as I struggle to know where to go next with my life. Never judging, never condoning and often we blunted horns with each other. Sometimes that involved one giving ground and sometimes the other.

This last week I have been doing a lot of thinking. I am about ready to make some big decisions. But before I announce these. I am writing this in honour of a great man, a figure that will be missed within the Indie Author world.

RIP Chris Edward aka Frankie Fulwood. The heavens gained another star and I know your family will miss you dreadfully and those whose lives you touched.

Why not find a bit about the man in his books:

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Hitting the reset switch.

Over the last few years I feel I have been pushed from pillar to post. I have felt I have been urged into ideas before they were ready to go. Pressured to do things because they comply to what is expected from me. I have made some bad decisions and mistakes I have regretted. What I am doing now is going through with a broom and getting rid of all those things that do not work. The things I cannot dedicate the time and effort to, to ensure they work. I have taken a long hard look at my life over the past few weeks. The process has not been easy. I have had to weigh every single element in it to ensure it is right for me.

Whilst this may seem callous and cruel, similar actions have resulted in split marriages, wanderings in the wild and going back to some long lost dream. In my case none of the fore said will be happening. My marriage is fine and good for me. I love my children to bits and want to be ever present factor in their lives, so no wanderings alone in the wild. If dreams are lost, then they were lost for a reason. You can never cross the same river twice.

Through this strip down and reassess process I have questioned many things. One of the biggest things I have questioned is, should I stop writing. Should I throw the towel in all together? Should I say OK I tried, it worked in a small way but is not ever going to be what I wanted it to be? Should I say this dream has ended? Is it time for a new challenge? Maybe I am not cut out to be a writer after all. Or is it simply my experiences of the last few years in the Indie Author world that have tainted my view.

I believe the whole process of questioning whether I wanted to write or not that lasted less than forty eight hours. My husband turned round to be and told me I don't really want to quit writing and I was just sulking. Was I? Not in this case. I don't think I was. But his retort was enough to make me come to the conclusions which were evident and I was avoiding. Yes, I will still write.

I don't think truly I could ever give up writing. I have been doing it since I can remember. Perhaps instead it is time to take a more structured approach to things. So for the now I am going to re-release The Plot Bunny and release Silly Little Owl and put the writing of kids books to the back burner for a while.

I still plan to take some more time out before I set back out on the writing path. When I do it will be purely self publish unless a big publisher picks my work up. I am far from done on reassessing things and working out where to go from here. But I have the fundamentals in place. I have the building blocks. My husband, my kids, my writing, friends and 'Tag Team' helping support Indie Authors, which I have always enjoyed doing. Oh and knitting, plenty of that.

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Last night I cried.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Only to wake again forty five minutes later to cry some more. Around that magic hour of 2am. After a night of only snatches of sleep, this morning I'm finding it still hard not to cry some more.

The reason weeks, possibly months of pent up emotion broke down the flood barriers and washed out. I no longer wanted to be disabled. I no longer wanted to use a wheelchair. To plan my whole life on what to drive, where to go, what to wear that's comfy to sit in. Working out what I can manage without totally wearing myself out. When I push myself to do things at home I collapse. I cannot manage a lot of things an able bodied person can manage. Despite how much I try. Then when I do, the days it takes me to recover. Sometimes it's like going in ever decreasing circles.

Then in marched the wrecking balls to demolish my self-confidence. I'm not pretty, I'm not overly intelligent, I'm short, dumpy, middle aged (38). What do I have going for me? No one would want me if anything happened to David. I'm not even certain why he stays with me. I'm not much of a wife, a mother. I do my best but look at me.

Eventually around 4:30 am this downward spiral of self-confidence destroying ground to a halt. Or rather I put the breaks on.

This morning I feel worn out. I've got some rebuilding to do. To get my confidence and self-belief back up to where it was prior to last nights mini meltdown. I don't know yet how best to handle how I feel. Pretending it does not matter does not work, for I will have another one of these down the line. They are not healthy. I have to work a way of learning to live with this better. Maybe the Wheelchair Witch is the answer I don't know.

But thanks insomnia and the wrecking ball of self-confidence I really needed you last night! Last night I cried. This morning I am trying to balance a smile on those tears.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Welsh Pisa results - sadly worrying.

As a parent with two children in the Welsh education system, the results where Wales has slipped back further in these league tables are worrying. But why?

One of the thoughts I wonder about is focus on the Welsh Language? Whilst I totally agree the language needs to be preserved, Is it possible that the focusing on making the language so wide spread has actually knocked the standard of education back? Are parents within English speaking households able to support children in the right way to progress? Unless the parent has spoken welsh all their lives, even with learning the language, they won't be able to support the child fully. Do the children totally understand what is being taught?

Just a few thoughts from a concerned parent.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Dragons do cry.

I woke this morning to find various messages, at best were mildly challenging and worse irritating. That is never a good start to the day.  But it did make me realise one thing. There are times when I need to be less nice and accommodating and stop people walking all over me, I need to be a dragon.

As Dragon is never too far away from the surface this is not too hard. I have just left it in its cage for a while. My good friend Sally tagged me in a post of Facebook the other day. Seemed rather apt for today. So I released my inner dragon and faced up to challenges head on.

Little did I know how much the dragon was going to be needed today. My son cried about going into school because he did not want to go through Speech Therapy again, which the school were suggesting. He felt pressured into it and was unhappy. As such I went into the school to find I was being misled. Not on purpose, but rather lack of appropriate information. Yet again I had to stipulate certain things and question others. Whilst I did not breathe fire and did compromise with them, I feel perhaps I left them feeling slightly singed.

I got back to the car to find my wheelchair had another flat tyre for no apparent reason and the lever that folds the back broke off and the effort to use a screwdriver to fold it, is causing me far to much effort. As such invalidating the good the wheelchair does.

So effectively I am housebound for the foreseeable future. Until such time I can get the brackets mounted onto my NHS powered wheelchair and use that with the hoist. I was feeling pretty ticked off by the time I got back home. 

When I got back home I had a phone call from my daughters Orthodontist. After over two years of waiting on the NHS list we finally got an appointment. I rang yesterday to move the appointment to after christmas and find out whether they had wheelchair access. They don't! The solution was that we should go to their practice in Swansea. Which would be at least a 2 1/2 hour round trip and the swansea practice said they have no disabled loo. Whilst that is not a huge issue for me as I can walk a short way before ending up on the floor in a heap, it would be to others. Then they ring back to say that because Swansea is in another health board they might not be able to do a cross referral. Whilst my husband MAY have been able to get time off to take her, he does not have a normal job within his field. There are always situations out of our control. If we cancelled again, we would be thrown off the waiting list! Apart from the fact, I should not expect my husband to take time off work, purely because they cannot arrange disabled access.

Today I found whilst I am still fierce, dragons can cry. Especially when they're wings are clipped or find themselves confined.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

The universe works in mysterious ways ...

Today has been a rough day. I woke up properly with my kitten, Greebo, nuzzling my face. I had not even noticed when the alarm went off to wake hubby up. Even then it took me a while to get my body moving enough to do much more than go 'ugh'.

When I eventually was helped out of bed and managed to get downstairs I discovered today was just not going to happen as a work day. Not only did everything hurt, I was exhausted and my computer was on the blink! I was too sore to perch on the dinning room chairs and hunch over my sewing machine. Instead I had a sofa day, my two kittens ensuring they played their part by sitting on me.

I was however lamenting on how a day lost was going to have an impact on my production / writing etc. What I really needed was something I could make whilst sat on the sofa. I was sitting knitting my Leftie shawl and got to thinking, could I knit or crochet something that would 'work' with my plans. I had an a-ha moment. Cue the asking of two of my lovely friends, Marianne of Fluff n Stuff  and the lovely Joanna Cliffe.

Born are going to be knitted and crocheted versions of The Plot Bunny to go in the store along side sewn versions, well when I find the pattern .. , so you can have your very own Plot Bunny.

Thank you Universe for giving me a bad day and allowing something else to slip into place.